Who You Are in the World’s Eyes… and Your Own

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My dearest ones,

The light is fading outside my window as I write this, the kind of soft, golden hour that makes everything feel both quiet and profound. It’s in these moments, away from the noise of the day, that thoughts often turn inward – to who we are, who we’re becoming, and how we navigate this vast, intricate tapestry of people and places. And tonight, my thoughts settle firmly on you. Not just the you I know and love with every fibre of my being, but the you that exists in the space between yourself and everyone else. The you reflected in the eyes of the world.

This isn’t about vanity, not at all. It’s about understanding a fundamental truth of being human: we live in a constant state of reflection and projection. There’s the person you know yourself to be, deep in your heart and mind. And then there’s the person others perceive. These two images are rarely identical twins; sometimes they feel like distant cousins, occasionally even strangers. Learning to understand both, and more importantly, the space between them, is one of the most powerful journeys you can undertake. It’s the path to authenticity, influence, and deep connection.

Part One: The Reflection in the Water – How Others See You

Imagine dropping a stone into a still pond. The ripples spread outward, touching everything around the point of impact. You, my child, are that stone. Every action, every word, every silent expression sends ripples into the world. And the image others form of you is built from the patterns those ripples create. This is external perception. It’s not necessarily truth in its purest form, but it is the lived reality for everyone who interacts with you. It shapes how they respond, what doors they open (or close), and the quality of every relationship you’ll ever have.

This perception isn’t conjured from thin air. It’s meticulously constructed, brick by invisible brick, from very specific things:

1. Your Behavior: This is the most obvious architect. What do you do? How do you treat the waiter who brings your food? The classmate struggling with the assignment? The stranger who bumps into you on a crowded street? Do you follow through on promises, big or small? Do you lend a hand without being asked? Or do you look away? Do you show up when it matters, even when it’s inconvenient? Your actions are the loudest, most unambiguous language you speak to the world. They scream your values far more convincingly than any words ever could. People notice consistency. They notice reliability. They notice kindness – or its absence. They build their understanding of your character based on the thousand tiny choices you make every single day.
2. Your Communication Style: How do you wield words? Are you a careful listener, truly seeking to understand, or are you simply waiting for your turn to speak? Is your speech thoughtful and considered, or impulsive and scattered? Do you communicate with clarity and respect, even when disagreeing passionately? Or do sarcasm, dismissiveness, or volume become your weapons? What about the words you don’t say? The silence when encouragement is needed? The withheld apology? Communication isn’t just about transmitting information; it’s about connection, empathy, and respect. Your style tells others whether you value their thoughts, whether you can be trusted with their feelings, whether you see them as equals or obstacles. The tone, the pace, the choice of words – they all paint a vivid picture in the listener’s mind.
3. How You Show Up in Different Environments: You are a multifaceted being, and rightly so. The energy you bring to a high-stakes team project shouldn’t be identical to the vibe you bring to a best friend’s birthday party. But people notice the essence that remains constant. Do you bring integrity to every room? Do you bring curiosity? Do you bring a willingness to contribute? Or does your presence shift into something entirely unrecognizable – perhaps overly competitive at work, overly reserved online, overly boisterous in social settings to mask discomfort? Authenticity isn’t about being rigidly the same everywhere; it’s about the core you shining through, appropriately adapted to the context. People sense incongruity. They notice when the person at the family dinner table seems fundamentally different from the person posting online, or when the colleague in the meeting seems like a shadow of the friend they know. This shapes their trust and their understanding of your reliability.
4. The Energy or Emotions You Give Off: This is the most subtle, yet perhaps the most potent, architect of perception. It’s the vibe. The aura. The unspoken emotional signature you emit. Are you generally calm and grounded, radiating a sense of stability? Or is there an undercurrent of anxiety, impatience, or negativity that others feel before you even speak? Do you walk into a room and lift the atmosphere with genuine warmth and interest? Or does your presence, perhaps unintentionally, cast a shadow? Enthusiasm is contagious. So is cynicism. Passion draws people in. Apathy pushes them away. You don’t need to be perpetually sunny – authenticity includes the full spectrum of human emotion. But people are remarkably adept at sensing your dominant emotional frequency, and it profoundly colours how they experience you.

Why Does This Reflection Matter So Profoundly?

Because, my loves, we are social creatures. We don’t live in isolation bubbles. This external perception:

• Shapes Your Relationships: It determines the depth and quality of your friendships, your romantic partnerships, your family bonds. People connect with – and trust – the person they perceive you to be. If their perception is wildly different from your intention, connection falters. Misunderstandings flourish. Loneliness can creep in.
• Builds (or Erodes) Your Reputation: This is your standing in the wider world – among peers, mentors, colleagues, even your community. A reputation for kindness, reliability, and competence opens doors. A reputation for unreliability, negativity, or self-centeredness closes them, often before you even know they existed. Your reputation precedes you, built brick by brick from others’ perceptions of your actions and energy.
• Unlocks (or Blocks) Opportunities: That dream job? The chance to collaborate on an exciting project? The invitation to join a meaningful cause? Often, these come because someone perceives you as capable, trustworthy, and aligned with the opportunity’s needs. If their perception doesn’t match your potential, the opportunity might never come your way. Your external image is your passport in many spheres of life.
• Is the Crucible of Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence: Truly understanding how you are perceived is the first, crucial step towards profound self-awareness. It holds up a mirror, sometimes uncomfortably, showing you the gap between your intentions and your impact. Navigating that gap, learning to see yourself through others’ eyes (without being crushed by it), is the very essence of emotional intelligence. It allows you to adjust, to grow, to connect more effectively.

Part Two: The Inner Flame – How You Wish to See Yourself

Now, let’s turn the gaze inward. Deep within you, beneath the layers of expectation, habit, and sometimes fear, burns a vision. This is your self-concept, your ideal self. It’s the internal blueprint for the person you aspire to be. It’s not about perfection, but about alignment with your deepest values and your most cherished dreams. This is the compass that guides your growth.

This inner vision includes:

1. The Version of You That Aligns with Your Goals and Values: Who do you need to become to achieve the things that truly matter to you? If your goal is to build meaningful connections, your ideal self might be more patient, a better listener, more vulnerable. If your goal is to master a craft, your ideal self might be disciplined, resilient, endlessly curious. This ideal self embodies the values you hold sacred – integrity, compassion, courage, creativity – not just as abstract concepts, but as lived realities in your daily choices.
2. Your Inner Vision of Who You Want to Be: Close your eyes. Picture the “best you” you can imagine. Not in terms of external achievements necessarily, but in terms of character. How does this version of you handle stress? How do they treat others, especially when no one is watching? How do they spend their time and energy? What lights them up? What principles are non-negotiable? This vision is deeply personal and uniquely yours. It’s the hero in your own story.
3. The Identity You’re Actively Building Through Personal Growth: Your ideal self isn’t a static statue on a pedestal. It’s a dynamic, evolving image. Every time you choose courage over fear, kindness over indifference, integrity over convenience, you are chiseling away at the raw material of your present self, bringing that inner vision closer to reality. You are consciously participating in your own becoming.

Why Does This Inner Flame Matter So Profoundly?

Because this is your engine. Your source code. Your “why.” This vision of your ideal self:

• Drives Your Motivation: When the path gets hard, when doubt creeps in, it’s the pull of this inner vision that gets you out of bed. The desire to be that person – to live up to your own standards, to honour your values – is a far more potent and sustainable fuel than chasing external validation alone.
• Guides Your Actions: It acts as your internal decision-making framework. Faced with a choice, you can ask: “What would the person I aspire to be do in this situation?” It helps you navigate ethical grey areas and prioritize what truly matters.
• Builds Resilience: Life will knock you down. Failures will come. Criticism will sting. When your sense of self is anchored in this internal ideal – in knowing who you want to be and why – you have a core of strength to draw upon. External setbacks hurt, but they don’t destroy your fundamental sense of purpose and direction. You know the person you are striving to be wouldn’t give up, so you find a way not to either.
• Is the Foundation of True Personal Development: Growth isn’t random. It’s intentional. This ideal self is the blueprint that makes your efforts focused and meaningful. Without it, personal development can become a scattered pursuit of trends or others’ expectations. With it, every step, however small, moves you closer to your own authentic north star.

Part Three: The Sacred Alignment – Where Reflection Meets Flame

Here is where the magic happens. Here is where life stops feeling like a constant performance and starts feeling like a genuine expression. The real power lies in the alignment between how others see you (the reflection) and how you wish to see yourself (the inner flame).

When these two images resonate, when the ripples you send out accurately convey the essence of who you aspire to be, you enter a state of profound authenticity. You are not hiding. You are not pretending. You are simply being, fully and consistently, across different situations. This authenticity is magnetic. It builds trust effortlessly, because people sense congruence. They know what to expect, and what they see aligns with the values you project. This trust translates into genuine influence. Not manipulation, but the kind of influence that comes from being respected, understood, and believed in. People follow authentic leaders, connect with authentic friends, are drawn to authentic spirits. Opportunities flow more readily to those whose outer presentation matches their inner substance.

But what about the gap?

Ah, my darlings, the gap is where most of us live, at least some of the time. It’s human. It’s the space between intention and impact, between aspiration and current reality. When there’s a significant disconnect:

• Confusion Reigns: You might feel misunderstood, frustrated that your actions or words are interpreted in ways you never intended. “But that’s not what I meant!” becomes a frequent, internal cry. Others feel it too – they sense something is “off,” even if they can’t articulate it, leading to mistrust or distance.
• Insecurity Takes Root: If you perceive that others see you negatively, especially in ways that clash with your ideal self (“They think I’m lazy, but I want to be hardworking!”), it can chip away at your self-esteem. You might feel like an imposter, constantly worried about being “found out.” Conversely, if you know your behaviour doesn’t align with your values (you want to be kind, but you snapped unfairly), guilt and shame can fester.
• Feeling Misunderstood Becomes a Burden: This is perhaps the heaviest weight. When your inner reality – your struggles, your good intentions, your true passions – feels invisible to the world, replaced by a perception you don’t recognize or like, it breeds a deep loneliness. You feel unseen, unknown, trapped behind a mask you didn’t consciously choose but can’t seem to remove.

The gap isn’t necessarily a sign of failure; it’s often a signpost pointing towards growth. It highlights where your actions might be betraying your values, where your communication is misfiring, where your energy might be sending unintended signals. It shows you where the work needs to be done, both internally and externally.

Bridging the Gap: The Work of Alignment

So how do we bring the reflection and the flame closer together? It’s a lifelong practice, a dance of self-awareness and conscious action. It requires courage and honesty, above all.

1. Seek the Reflection with Courage: This is the hardest, bravest step. You must seek to understand how others truly see you. Not just the compliments (though cherish those!), but the harder truths.
   • Ask Trusted Mirrors: Go to people you trust to be both kind and honest – a wise friend, a mentor, a family member who loves you enough to tell you the truth. Ask them specific, gentle questions: “When I get stressed, how do I come across?” “Is there anything I do that might unintentionally push people away?” “What’s one thing I could do to be a better listener/friend/team member?” Listen without defensiveness. Listen to understand, not to rebut.
   • Observe Reactions: Pay acute attention to how people respond to you. Do they lean in or subtly lean back? Do they engage fully or seem distracted? Do they confide in you or keep things surface-level? Do your jokes land warmly or sometimes cause awkward pauses? These micro-reactions are valuable data points about your impact.
   • Consider the Patterns: What feedback do you hear repeatedly, even from different people or in different contexts? (“You’re always late,” “You seem so intense,” “You’re such a good listener,” “You never seem to commit”). Patterns are significant clues.
2. Tend the Inner Flame with Clarity: Get ruthlessly honest with yourself about who you want to be.
   • Define Your Core Values: What 3-5 principles are absolutely non-negotiable for you? Integrity? Compassion? Growth? Adventure? Loyalty? Creativity? Write them down. These are the bedrock of your ideal self.
   • Visualize the Ideal: Don’t just think it, feel it. Imagine your ideal self navigating a challenging situation, interacting with loved ones, pursuing a passion. How do they speak? How do they carry themselves? How do they make others feel? Write a description of this person.
   • Identify the Gaps (Honestly): Compare your current behaviours and habits to this ideal vision. Where are you falling short? Be specific, not self-flagellating. “I value patience, but I snap at my siblings when I’m tired.” “I want to be courageous, but I avoid difficult conversations.” Acknowledging the gap is the first step to bridging it.
3. Align Your Actions Consciously: This is where intention meets the road.
   • Start Small: Choose one small behaviour aligned with your ideal self. If you want to be more present, consciously put your phone away during dinner. If you want to be more reliable, be ruthlessly punctual for one specific commitment this week. Master that ripple before adding more.
   • Mind Your Communication: Before speaking, pause. Ask: “Is this true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Does it align with who I want to be?” Practice active listening – truly hear, don’t just wait to talk.
   • Manage Your Energy: Notice your emotional state and its impact. If you’re radiating stress or negativity, can you take a breath, go for a walk, or reframe your thoughts before engaging? Cultivate practices (mindfulness, gratitude, nature) that ground you and foster the energy you want to project.
   • Embrace Imperfect Progress: You will stumble. You will sometimes project the old you, not the ideal you. That’s okay. Authenticity includes owning your missteps. Apologize sincerely when your impact doesn’t match your intention. “I realize I came across as dismissive earlier; that wasn’t my intent, I’m sorry.” Then try again. The commitment to alignment, not perfection, is what matters.

Reflective Prompts: Lighting Your Own Lantern

Don’t just read these words; engage with them. Take time, perhaps in that quiet golden hour light, to ponder these questions. Write your answers. Sit with them. Let them challenge and inspire you.

To Understand the Reflection (How Others Might See You):

• What are the things people most frequently compliment you on? (Dig deeper than “nice” – is it your humor? Your thoughtfulness? Your reliability? Your creativity?) What does this tell you about the strengths you project?
• Conversely, what criticisms (even gently given or implied) seem to recur? (Tardiness? Interrupting? Being overly critical? Being hard to read?) Where might there be a gap between your intention and your impact?
• Imagine you could magically overhear a conversation between two people who know you reasonably well (not your biggest fans nor your harshest critics) describing you to someone who’s never met you. What three adjectives do you hope they would use? What three adjectives do you fear they might actually use? Why?
• Think about the last time you made a strong first impression (good or bad). What specific things did you do or say that likely shaped that impression?
• When you walk into a room (a party, a classroom, a meeting), what kind of energy do you think you project? What kind of energy do you wish you projected? Is there a difference?

To Tend the Flame (How You Wish to See Yourself):

• Look at the people you admire most deeply (real or fictional). What specific traits or qualities do they possess that resonate with your soul? Why do these traits matter so much to you?
• Imagine encountering the absolute “best version” of yourself – the you who has grown, learned, and embodies your highest ideals – five or ten years from now. Describe them in vivid detail. How do they handle conflict? How do they treat strangers? How do they spend their free time? How do they face fear or disappointment? How do they express love?
• What are your absolute core values? (List 3-5). What does living by each of these values look like in concrete, daily actions? Where are you currently living them well? Where is there room to grow?
• If you could only be remembered for one thing by the people whose opinions truly matter to you, what would you want that one thing to be? (e.g., “She was always there when I needed her,” “He never gave up on his dreams,” “They made everyone feel seen,” “She brought joy wherever she went”). How does your current behaviour move you towards or away from that legacy?
• What’s one small, tangible step you could take tomorrow to align your actions more closely with the person you aspire to become?

My precious children, this journey of understanding the mirrors – the one held by the world and the one you hold in your heart – is perhaps the most important exploration you’ll ever undertake. It’s not about crafting a perfect facade. It’s about uncovering, honoring, and expressing your truest self with increasing clarity and consistency. It’s about closing the gap between who you are and who you know, deep down, you are meant to be.

There will be days the reflection stings. Days the inner flame feels dim. That’s part of being gloriously, messily human. The power lies not in achieving perfect alignment every moment, but in the awareness, the intention, and the courageous effort to bring them closer. It’s in owning your ripples and tending your flame.

Live intentionally. Act with kindness rooted in your values. Communicate with clarity and care. Be mindful of the energy you carry. Strive, always, to let the light of your inner self shine through your actions, so the world sees not a mask, but the authentic, magnificent soul I know you to be.

And never, ever forget: the deepest, truest, most unwavering reflection of your worth is held right here, in my heart, forever seeing the incredible potential of who you are and who you are becoming. You are loved, infinitely, for the unique flame that only you carry.

Now, go shine your light. The world needs it.

With all my love,

Always.